I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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