Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
