Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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