Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
