Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
