i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
