Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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