THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
