Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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