Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
