haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
