apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
