tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
