why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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