He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
