You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
