i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
