guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize