she woke up with a sticky ear
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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