Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
