I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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