I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
