I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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