so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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