I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
