I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
