You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
