I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
