just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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