You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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