im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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