I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My life is pants optional.
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