It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
