You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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