insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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