So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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