I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
