I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
