I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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