Even the bartender felt bad for me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
