All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
