Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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