I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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