what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
