GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
