i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
