went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
