Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
