i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
