why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
