WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
