Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
