I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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