I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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