I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
