just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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