A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm passing your future prison.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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