Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
