Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
