Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
