I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
