Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Never joke about your clitoris.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
