They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
