Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
