Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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