Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can I color on your dick again?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
