Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize